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My dearest, dearest Danielle.

25th of December 2012, the first day I met you, Maaike and Aunti – and a day I never would have been without. I remember how nervous I was, and how big that day acually was for me. I finally got to meet more of my family on the dutch side- which I didn’t knew about earlier.

We kept in touch through facebook and whatsapp, and I still remember one of our first messages- the day after new years eve 2013; we were dicussing who of us that had the worst hangover and concluded that we both were laying straight out in bed with headacke. Haha girl, you and I figurated that we were quite similar.

February 2013 I came over for the winterholidays, and we had an amazing time. You took me out with your wonderful friends, at 023 and trust me- when a girl from Norway suddenly can drink when she’s under 18 in Holland, hallelujaaah! . But here comes the big hatch, the big question, the unbelievable “3 years from now, you’re gonna be dead- xtc are gonna take your life”, and so on – because the words from auntie before we went out, are still knocked into my head. She said to us; if you’re smoking or doing drugs, non of you will take a step over the doorline when you get back home- I won’t have you in my house and you will have to sleep outside. Auntie was a tiger when it camed to things like that, and 26.07.16 you swallow a pill that ends your 21 year long life? I still don’t get it, I really don’t.

You were a rebell, a girl who practically were living her own way of life- a girl with a strong mind (and ego), but also a girl with a big heart and values everyone appriciated. You were only 9 days older than me, so I saw a lot of myself in you – and I still do.

You wanted to see Norway, to meet my family – to go skiing and sleeping at my cabin in the mountains – none of that happened, the time didn’t reached out – you’re not here anymore , and that hurts and sucks. I had so much to show you.

I remember the times you tried to learn me dutch – hehe, and laughed so hard when I spelled the words totally wrong. I remember when you tought I was lesbian since I were in a kidding relationship with a girl on fb- and I was gonna sleep in the same bed as you when I was at visit. Haha, I don’t forget it , you were totally freaking out. I remember when you texted me; did you get your drivinglicense??? and I confirmed it and your answer back was “we can tour aaaaaall day long when you’re here or I’m there! ” . That roadtrip never came, but sometimes when I drive- I think of you, and singing out loud until I get voicecrack. Cause in my head, that’s how our roadtrip would be like.

25.07.16 – I texted you and that was a text you didn’t see, a text you didn’t reply on, a text I never got an answer to and the last message of our whole conversation. You were fighting for your life, and the day after I got a call from mum- saying that you passed away. The tears came, a pressure in my chest came, the pulse went up and I were crowling my body. You were gone, in an age of 21,5 .

I came to your funeral with my mum , and she met auntie and the rest of the family in real life for the first time, what a moment- and I’m sure you would have loved it.

Aunti and Maaike went with me into the room- and there you were, laying in a pink box, dead. Dead, Danielle. I hadn’t seen you for two years, and only met you twice – and the third time was at your funeral? For all the years we’ve been talking about visits, this was the end station? You had a beautiful ceremony – I was sitting at second row- watching, listening, and crying. I don’t understand a lot dutch, but when people had speachs- I understood that you were loved.

I miss you, Danielle. Slaap lekker, rust zacht and ik hou van jou ❤️